The Magic of Aquaphor
How Aquaphor healed my eyelid and saved a dragon’s life.
Looking for anything—literally anything—to heal a cut on my eyelid (yes, the lid, not the eyeball), I found an unopened tube of Aquaphor in the disorganized mess that is our bathroom cupboard.
The origin story of the cut is tragically boring. My best guess? It was my own fingernail in my sleep. Regardless, it was refusing to heal, probably because I kept rubbing it. For a terrifying spell, I fretted I had contracted some exotic, eyelid-only eczema. This is why you should never consult with Dr. Google.
But then, there it was: a fresh tube of Aquaphor. I know firsthand that this stuff heals everything. So I dabbed it on my eyelid. How was I so certain of its healing powers? Because, my dear friends, years ago, I used Aquaphor to save a dragon’s life.
The Cricket Incident
Our pet bearded dragon, Perry (who we eventually realized was a girl when she mysteriously laid an egg), once had a tangle with a cricket that didn’t go well. In a “Jurassic Park” twist, the prey became the predator. It was a tough lesson in the dangers of leaving live bait in the aquarium overnight.
The bite became a nasty wound, and my kids panicked. “Mom, you’ve got to take Perry to the vet!”
The precariously low balance in my checking account warned that a vet visit was not wise. I did what any resourceful, broke parent would do. I lied.
“Vets don’t treat lizards,” I said, sounding completely sure of myself.
I didn’t expect them to believe me, but they looked at me, a bit unsure, and then nodded. “Oh, right. No lizard doctors. Makes sense. So now what?”
Farm Girl Know-How
Channeling my father—the man in this photo, who used to treat our pets in the kitchen or living room—I considered my options. A farmer through and through, my dad only consulted a vet if things were truly serious. For anything else, he’d rummage around the barn and return with a mysterious, unlabeled bottle or tube of God knows what that he promised would heal the animal.
So, I followed his example. I rummaged through the cabinet and emerged with the strongest medicine in the house: Aquaphor. It was a miracle. The wound closed, the dragon lived, and my kids were deeply impressed by my “lizard-doctor” skills. To this day, they still occasionally mention how I saved Perry after she was nearly killed by her own food.
Where Are They Now?
My eyelid is healing nicely. As for Perry, she found a new home when her owner left for DePaul University. And my Dad, I’m sure looking down, proud of his farm girl.
Now I want to hear your stories. What’s the strangest (PG-rated!) thing you’ve ever “cured” with Aquaphor? Maybe it was a squeaky door, a lost toenail, or even a pet emergency. I’d love to hear your lizard stories, too.
The latest Life Michigan Podcast episode is out!
If you have an idea for a guest, email me (info@lifeinmichigan.com). We are looking for anyone who is creative, passionate, and has a story to share about their Life In Michigan. Don’t be shy.
The latest episode of Fans with Bands just dropped!
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🗓️ Never Miss an Event: Chuck has been hard at work on our public Google Events Calendar. From book launches to local gigs, it’s all there. Subscribe to the Calendar
You’ll find things like this on the calendar!
For ticket information, check their website.
I’ve got just one Substack recommendation this week, Jenn Woltjen’s “Spring Skiing in the quiet season: last tracks of winter.” It inspired me to put the Adirondack Mountains on our 2027 adventure list.
Cozy Nook Updates
In a personal protest against Amazon, I recently discontinued my Audible subscription. I’ve switched to Libro.fm, an app that directs your purchases to support an independent local bookstore. I chose to support Book Love Bar in Downtown Ypsilanti, Michigan. Another perk, you can earn free audiobooks by referring friends. If you’re interested, here is my referral link to check it out.
I’ve been on an Ian McGuire kick lately, and his latest, White River Crossing, did not disappoint. Set in 1766 at a Hudson’s Bay Company outpost, it’s got everything you’d want in a historical thriller: a brutal expedition, a desperate search for gold, and plenty of plot twists. And it has a CROW! If you like your history about survival, this is your next read.
Have a great week!
Great story! 😂
Very cool you had a pet bearded dragon! I’m a big lizard fan (had three iguanas growing up).