Where is my phone? (And Other Adventures in Forgetting)

From AirTags to a waltz with my husband—tips for remembering.

Around my fiftieth birthday, I started noticing that, occasionally, word finding was an issue, especially during meetings. Back in the pre-COVID days, when we still gathered in physical conference rooms, I’d start to reply to a question, only to find the word I needed—usually a name—had escaped, hanging on the fringes of memory, just out of reach. I’d laugh and say, “Word finding is hard today.” I was mostly surrounded by speech pathologists, mental health professionals, and women my age. They promised me that as soon as I stopped trying to remember the word, it would materialize. And they were right.

I blamed it on menopause and stress.

Now that I’m approaching sixty, the problem persists, though the circumstances have shifted. It happens most often when Chuck and I are out at community events or parties. I’ll be deep into a story, stumble on a name, and Chuck is right there, ready with the missing piece. It’s become a dance, a shared waltz through our conversations.

Psychologists call this “cross-cueing,” where couples rely on each other to retrieve shared memories, with one person starting the story and the other filling in the blanks. I even came across an article about how our brains effectively intertwine with our partners over time—a concept called a Transactive Memory System (TMS), first introduced back in 1985 by psychologist Daniel Wegner. Whether or not the theory has held up since 1985, I can’t say (though I suspect it has!). But I can confidently say that Chuck and I seem to have developed a shared memory system.

Naturally, that made me wonder: Is this a problem? Am I just getting lazy? Is my brain atrophying? I did manage to solve the Wordle in just two attempts today, and I breezed through the hard level of Pips—another one of those NYT games I’ve grown fond of—in under three minutes. So there are some neurons still working.

I couldn’t help but remember when my youngest was about three and didn’t use many words. It was a stressful time—the family doctor was concerned, which meant I spent my days documenting every word, trying to encourage them to speak. Conversations were almost entirely one-sided, with me pointing at things and asking, “Which one do you want?” only for my oldest to yell from another room, “He wants juice, Mom.”

“Grrr, let him talk!” I’d plead. Eventually, I got my oldest to stop swooping in, and my youngest found his words. He hasn’t stopped talking since. It’s shocking to think how worried I was back then.

I mentioned my idea for this week’s Sunday Sip to Chuck, and he said immediately, “I’m sorry. Should I stop?” I thought about it for a bit and finally decided no, I liked the shared conversation waltz. It wasn’t like my oldest becoming the voice for my youngest.

Naturally, all this reflecting led me down a rabbit hole concerning the various other ways I prop up my memory these days.

• Everything in its place: It is imperative that I put my fanny pack, sunglasses, and earbuds on the chair by the front door. Otherwise, I’d spend a good half-hour looking for them every time we leave.

• The Apple Watch Ping: Pro tip alert for those of us who constantly misplace our phones: The Apple Watch is a lifesaver. Hit the side button next to the Digital Crown to pull up the Control Center, tap the glowing phone icon, and follow the ping. (Huge thank-you to Dianne for that one!)

• The Mighty AirTag: Genius. Yes, I have one on my keyring.

• The Photographic Memory: I’m also the person who takes a picture of the parking structure level. In fact, I take pictures of many things to jog my memory, and I even text myself book, movie, and restaurant recommendations so they don’t vanish into the ether.

I’m curious—what about you? Do you have any clever tricks or digital lifesavers you rely on to keep your memory sharp? And what about that “shared memory system” with your partner? Do you find yourselves “cross-cueing” too? (I know, it sounds a little like Dirty Dancing!)

The latest Life Michigan Podcast episode is out!

If you have an idea for a guest, email me (info@lifeinmichigan.com). We are looking for anyone who is creative, passionate, and has a story to share about their Life In Michigan. Don’t be shy.

The latest episode of Fans with Bands just dropped!

Shannon Larkin

LifeInMichigan.com covers the stories, community life, and cultural experiences that mainstream media often overlooks. Click on the image to read the whole article.

🗓️ Never Miss an Event: Chuck has been hard at work on our public Google Events Calendar. From book launches to local gigs, it’s all there. Subscribe to the Calendar

You’ll find things like this on the calendar! (Click on image for more information.)

I’ve got two fresh Substacks to entertain you this week!

James Lucas’s Substack “Beauty is Truth” just dropped this!

This Will Change How You See Time

Julie’s Substack “Absence of Certainty” dropped this at the end of May.

Against Sober Culture (Respectfully)

Plus a few old ones of ours.

Cozy Nook

Have you read “Better Living Through Birding” by Christian Cooper? If you are into birds, you’ll definitely want to read it. If you aren’t, read it just for his perspective on his now-infamous encounter with a racist in Central Park. It’s part memoir and part introduction to birding.

Additionally, I finished Caro Claire Burke’s “Yesteryear.” It had been suggested as a possibility for our book club. I started reading before our meeting and shared that I hated the main character. We ultimately decided to pass on it for our upcoming selection.

It’s a dark tale about an online influencer who finds herself trapped in the 19th century. I didn’t find it funny as the various online descriptions suggest, but I was curious, and the writing was incredible, so I kept reading. I ended up telling my book club I was revising my take on it. It’s a clever book. And I’d recommend it if you like a twisty plot line. The author makes you see the world a bit differently. Even Lauren Jackson from the New York Times makes a case for why you should read it.

Have a great week!